You were laughing.
Inside I saw you cry.
You were with friends.
I saw you alone.
You were living this life.
I saw you slowly dying, wondering how much more you could take.
Simple.
Me too.
I’ve been alone in a room full of people. I’ve smiled, shook hands and been “happy” while on the inside I’m screaming: “WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY CARE!!!!!”
I too have gone through the motions of this life, I’ve gotten up, drove my kids to school, got coffee, managed my way through a day, gone home, eaten, cleaned, kissed, said I love you, slept, and repeated- and wondered how much more I could take.
And thought, “I can’t take anymore.”
How bad could it get?
Bad.
How do you get out of this loop?
?
Image yourself, and this loop, going round and round, each day, another trip around the vortex. There are a couple of ways to get out. Some choose to quit. Some choose to abandon families, to book out and “move on” but really they just move to a higher part of the same vortex further disconnected from the centre and what they really want. The centre looks scary as it gets narrower, tighter, it looks like death, its more comfy spinning around up at the outer rings. Or is it? Some people decide to just keep spinning exactly where they are, day after day, year after year. They just keep whipping around, with really no hope of anything changing, but no satisfaction in what is going on either, decade after decade until the ride ends. Some people choose to stop, each has their own method, their own way, they make the choice to end the ride early.
There is another way.
A couple of years ago, I found myself right at the top of that spinning vortex, about to get flung out or about to do something, end the ride? I don’t know if I was there, but there was a lot of nights, a lot of loneliness, in the midst of a world full of people. A lot of thoughts. One night in particular I was on a walk with my dog when I came to a set of train tracks. A train came to the crossing right at the same time I did. I don’t know if you have ever been there. I wasn’t in a place to decide that I wanted to end the ride, but I was in a place of contemplating that if I ever wanted to end the ride, maybe this would be a way to end the ride, and that, I shouldn’t but if I should, then I wonder if….
There is something about all that metal screaming past you at 80km/hr, the noise the rattling and the squeaking, that drowns out all the thoughts in your head, where all that remains is a few thoughts of clarity that scream through the noise.
I WANT a BETTER LIFE!!! Get me off this ride!!!
Then, the train passed, and I was left in the darkness of that night, under a star filled sky. With my dog. And as he nudged my hand, his wet nose pressing annoyingly against my fingers as if to say, “that was freaky, can we go now?” It was so quiet. He nervously sat down, as I just stood there, then he let out a little whimper, and laid down at my feet, not sure what to make of his Master at this moment. This and other experiences taught me something about this vortex we find ourselves going around and around in.
I decided there really only is one way out.
IN!
So, I pointed in, right to the centre, to the dark, scary tight, uncomfortable centre. I started talking authentically about things with the people I found there, the people that were still there, My wife, my best friends, I started talking about my addictions, my hang ups. I started talking and sharing about my hurts. I started talking about the pain I had caused, I started talking about how I felt like a failure as a husband, father, friend, and boss. And as I started going further and further in, and picking up steam, I found myself at the bottom of the vortex plunging through a crisis of self, and starting to come out the other side.
You know what I found? I found me, I found light, I found Joy, I found deep satisfaction in my relationships. I found Love with my wife. I found out that I have a TON to offer. I found that I can talk to my kids and be heard by them, I found freedom from addiction. I found LIFE!
What is the pointing in? It is attaching. It is getting close with other people, instead of constantly further away. Our society is adverse to it. We find it uncomfortable. We don’t want to know how you are “feeling” hell, we don’t even want to know how WE are feeling!!!! And so we end up blessed beyond measure, in the top 1% of the world, lonely as all hell, in a room full of people.
I’m going to bring this around again to talking about a tribe. A group of people that won’t let you die, that won’t let you down, that will speak into your life, that will be your compass point, that are there to help, that are there to hold, that are there to guide, direct, encourage.
When you started your welding career, or your oil field hauling business, or whatever gig you do, you started with a bunch of questions and no answers. There was a point in time when I did not know how to swing a hammer. Ever watch people with a “natural” ability to…. I don’t know figure skate? Or, play hockey? Or ___________? Turns out that “natural” ability isn’t natural at all, because going to 10,000 hours of hockey practice will probably mean you have a slightly better slapshot than me (I have never been able to ever lift a puck off the ice). So, have you ever seen someone with a “natural” parenting ability, or natural with relationships? Guess what? It ain’t natural. Those are learned skills that you can learn too. Just like you learned to Weld, just like you learned to back up a trailer, just like you learned how to write up a contract.
You know how I know? I didn’t have these “natural abilities” when I first started parenting, or when I first got married. Turns out I was a crappy dad and an even worse husband. Turns out, if you understand a few things about the way people naturally mature, it helps a TON, turns out you don’t have to be frustrated with your kids, turns out there is a better way, turns out you can have their hearts, turns out you can light every one of your relationships on fire, so it works for you AND them. Turns out you don’t have to be a selfish prick to get what you want, you have to give up being so concerned about yourself.
Turns out you don’t have to be alone. There is as TRIBE - all around you, waiting for you, wanting you, wish you would take the first step, remember - we are not good at this, so you are going to get push back, people don't want to talk - gravitate towards the ones that do. There are honestly all sorts of organizations and groups out there to help you out, but it is up to you. Point to the centre find your tribe, find who is really there for you. It turns out - you don't have to be alone.
You were laughing.
Inside I saw you cry.
You were with friends.
I saw you alone.
You were living this life.
I saw you slowly dying, wondering how much more you could take.
And then you turned to the centre, headlong to the only place that would help, back where you belong.
slv2all
Coming soon to the web, my TRIBE’S new meeting place www.OnePerson.ca
if you want to talk to someone contact me on twitter @justinatthomson or by email ceo@heritagefamilyservices.com
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